Dissolve to Oblivion

Putting yourself in another person's shoes isn't the best thing. You see, sometimes you want to feel the loneliness of other people by imagining you were in their position. It's lame. But I did that for most of my life. I thought it's one of the greatest things to do in life. Because if you put yourself in another's then you have this illusion that you're there to help out no matter who they are. It's perhaps that "hero-mentality". But come to think of it, it's good to help, it's good to assume other people's lives to kind-of reach out. I value that kind of thing: to help others. But I thought I'm overdoing it sometimes to the point that it's affecting my whole being. It affects my viewpoint, decision-makings, and even my purpose in life. I know it's not healthy to be in that kind of state of confusion but it does happens. It can be really lonely keeping things to yourself, how much more if you keep others' problems your business. Yeah, it's sad. And I'm sad that when I'm there, where it seems that I've transfered myself to another's, I can't do anything to change minds. But I still try to anyway. It's just that sometimes, I get too tired and stressed out that I miss chances of making myself happy and well.

Although I feel that way, I still believe that I've somehow contributed to the society. I mourn to those who mourn and celebrate to those who are happy. And then there's that feeling, when you feel like all the people are starting to pack up, and turning the lights off. You wanted to just dissolve into oblivion like when the movie ends, the stories, and your mission gets accomplished as well. I like that. I thought I need to kind of draw a period to something that we want to finish already because we need a break. We need to move on and respond to another's call. Yet still the darkness' silence sometimes turns into disturbing noise. When does it all end? I'm not trying to write an emo-piece here I just want to ask questions that nobody knows how to answer. Maybe it doesn't end, because we sometimes don't want them to end. And that we know that in the midst of all the trials of life, we still shout, "Life is beautiful!"

I have hopes and dreams and wishes that I still want to achieve. Why they're truly a mountain climb. I used to just say, well, I'm just a girl with limitations but now, I'm a woman with insatiable appetite for success. But what is success but just a mere ladder of achievement. Is success supposed to be forever? I don't know. Like computer applications, it seems that everything has that "update" needed. It's like a marathon run, though I haven't tried it, I could feel that those runners just wished they'd reach the finish line. You can't run miles and miles until the finish line without experiencing the hardships, obstacles, loss for breath, and total exhaustion. Is it a celebration for survival or for winning, you might ask. But we all got races to finish somehow. I, for one, had to run faster because if not, I'd probably get lost in my wishful thinkings again. I have a lot of things to do. I had to train myself and become more straightforward, sincere in my speech, and aggressive to advance myself. I have a lot of personality developments to do. I'm tired but I can't afford to lose this game.